Gender and identity: how wo support your partner in the process of self-discovery

So, you've just learned that your partner is on a journey of self-discovery when it comes to their gender identity. Whether this revelation caught you off guard or you sensed it coming, the emotions swirling within you are undoubtedly intense. Maybe you're feeling a mix of positivity, concern, confusion, or a bit of everything all at once. Take a moment to breathe, grab yourself a comforting glass of water, perhaps a snack and a cozy blanket, and allow yourself the space to process these emotions. This is a significant moment, not only for your partner but for you as well. In this 18+ guide tailored for Cosmopolitan readers, we'll explore how to navigate and support your partner through this transformative journey. It's okay to take a step back, gather your thoughts, and prepare for the changes ahead.

The Difference Between Gender and Sexuality

In today's progressive and inclusive society, conversations surrounding identity have become increasingly important. Two key aspects of individual identity are gender and sexuality. While these terms are often used interchangeably, they represent distinct facets of a person's being.

• Gender

Gender refers to the socially and culturally constructed roles, behaviors, expectations, and attributes that a given society considers appropriate for men and women. It is a spectrum that encompasses a range of identities beyond the binary of male and female. Gender identity, in particular, is an individual's deeply felt internal experience of their gender, which may or may not align with the sex assigned to them at birth.

For example, someone assigned female at birth may identify as a woman, while another individual assigned the same sex at birth may identify as a man. Non-binary, genderqueer, and genderfluid are terms used by those whose gender identity does not conform to the traditional notions of male or female.

• Sexuality

Sexuality, on the other hand, refers to a person's sexual orientation, attraction, and emotional, romantic, or sexual preferences. It includes but isn’t limited to heterosexuality (attraction to the opposite gender), homosexuality (attraction to the same gender), bisexuality (attraction to both genders), and pansexuality (attraction regardless of gender).

It is crucial to recognize that one's gender identity does not dictate their sexuality. A transgender person, for instance, may have a sexual orientation that aligns with their identified gender, just as a cisgender person would. Sexual orientation is deeply personal and varies widely among individuals.

Breaking Down the Misconceptions

One common misconception is the conflation of gender and sexuality. Understanding that they are separate entities is crucial for an inclusive and accepting society. A person's gender identity does not determine who they are attracted to, and vice versa. Respectful communication involves recognizing and affirming both a person's gender identity and sexual orientation.

Moreover, it is essential to dispel the notion that gender and sexuality are binary or fixed. Embracing the fluidity and diversity within these spectrums contributes to a more inclusive and compassionate perspective. Individuals may experience shifts in their understanding of their gender or sexuality over time, and this evolution should be acknowledged and respected.

Different Genders and Sexualities

In today’s world gender and sexuality are as diverse as the colors of a rainbow. Here are some things you need to know when it comes to supporting a partner undergoing gender transition.

• Gender Identity

First things first, gender identity is deeply personal. It's not just about being male or female. Some identify as non-binary, genderqueer, or genderfluid. It's like a unique mixtape where everyone creates their own tracklist.

• Sexual Orientations

Now, let's talk about attraction. Heterosexuality, homosexuality, and bisexuality are just the tip of the iceberg. There's pansexuality, where attraction transcends gender, and asexuality, where the focus is on emotional connections rather than physical ones.

• LGBTQIA+

This acronym is more than just letters; it's a vibrant community. Lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer/questioning, intersex, asexual, and more – each letter represents a unique identity. The "+"? It's a reminder that there's always room for more.

• Pronouns

Respecting pronouns is crucial. Some folks prefer "he," "she," or "they." It's a simple way to show support and acknowledge someone's identity. It's like calling them by their favorite name – it matters.

• Fluidity

Gender and sexuality can be fluid. Someone might identify differently over time, and that's absolutely okay. Embrace the journey and be open to growth.

• Intersectionality

Let's not forget intersectionality. Gender and sexuality intersect with race, ethnicity, and other identities. Understanding these intersections creates a more inclusive and supportive environment.

Why Are More People Coming Out These Days?

Have you ever had that moment when an older relative wonders out loud why there seem to be so many queer people these days? You know, using the term "queer" like it's still a slur. Well, here's the deal – it's not that there are suddenly more of gay people, it's just safer to come out now.

Back in the day, being LGBTQ+ was seen as a mental disorder. Seriously, it could ruin your life. Coming out meant risking jail or being thrown into a mental institution. But times are changing. Younger generations are more accepting. Sure, there are still some homophobes among Millennials and Gen Z, but progress is happening. Many countries have made significant strides in legalizing same-sex marriage and enacting anti-discrimination laws. This progress provides a sense of security for individuals to openly identify as LGBTQ+ without facing legal repercussions.

The media has also played a crucial role in normalizing diverse sexual orientations and gender identities. The increased representation of LGBTQ+ characters in movies, TV shows, and other forms of entertainment has helped reduce stigma and encouraged individuals to embrace their true selves. Moreover, educational institutions are increasingly incorporating LGBTQ+ awareness and inclusivity into their curricula. This helps create a more informed and understanding society. Finally, the rise of empowerment movements, such as Pride, has created a sense of community and pride in one's identity.

What To Do When Your Partner Comes Out?

In a 2017 Gallup poll, they found that about 10.2% of LGBT+ Americans are married to someone who identifies as straight. People might stay in a relationship with a straight partner for different reasons. It could be to avoid hurting their partner, because of their own internalized homophobia, or out of fear of what family and friends might think. So, if your partner comes out to you, don't freak out. Responses like that make them hesitant to come out sooner. Just keep your mind and heart open as they share with you.

Discovering that your partner is coming out can be a surprising and emotional experience, but it's crucial to approach the situation with love and understanding. Firstly, take a moment to process your own feelings and reactions before engaging in a conversation with your partner. Express your emotions honestly and listen to their perspective without judgment. Avoid making assumptions or jumping to conclusions. Remember, it's okay to seek guidance from friends, family, or professionals. This process requires patience and adjustment, but with mutual respect and communication, you can navigate this journey together and strengthen your relationship.

3 Ways To Support Your Partner Through Self-Discovery

The first and most crucial step in supporting your partner in their self-discovery is to communicate openly. Instead of making assumptions about what they might need, take the time to ask them directly. Jor-El Caraballo, therapist and co-founder of Viva Wellness in New York City, emphasizes the importance of checking in with your partner about their needs. This simple act can make a significant difference in ensuring that they feel heard and supported. Remember, everyone's journey is unique, so tailor your support to your partner's specific needs.

1. Create a Safe and Trusting Environment:

A safe space makes open and honest communication easier, allowing your partner to express their thoughts. Moreover, a safe environment strengthens the bond between partners that leads to a better connection and unity. Once your partner knows that you support them, they’ll be able to explore different aspects of themselves without the fear of negative consequences.

• Practice Active Listening: Set aside moments where you provide your full attention, allowing them to express their thoughts and feelings without interruptions. Active listening leads to a sense of being heard and valued.
• Suspend Judgment: Avoid making assumptions or passing quick judgments about your partner's experiences. By cultivating a non-judgmental atmosphere, you encourage them to share openly without fear of criticism.
• Validate Their Emotions: Let them know that what they feel is valid and understandable. Avoid dismissing or minimizing their experiences. Affirming their emotions creates a foundation of trust, strengthening your connection.

• Encourage Self-Expression: Celebrate your partner's individuality and uniqueness. Encourage them to express themselves authentically, free from the fear of judgment. Embracing diversity within your relationship promotes an environment where self-discovery can flourish.
• Express Your Support: Use affirming language to reinforce your unwavering support. Commend their courage in sharing their true selves, reinforcing the strength it takes to embark on this journey.

2. Respect Their Pace and Choices:

Show empathy by acknowledging their courage in sharing this aspect of their identity. Avoid making assumptions or judgments. Instead, focus on understanding their perspective and emotions. Recognize that coming out is a personal journey, and everyone navigates it differently. Respect your partner's pace in sharing their identity with others. Avoid pressuring them to come out to friends or family if they are not ready. Additionally, be supportive of the choices they make regarding their identity, whether it involves exploring new aspects of their life or making decisions about how they express themselves.

3. Educate Yourself about LGBTQ+ Community and Experiences

When your partner identifies as a part of the LGBTQ+ community, it becomes essential to educate yourself about their experiences. Stereotypes and prejudices surrounding the LGBTQ+ community are unfortunately still prevalent. Educating yourself enables you to challenge and dispel these stereotypes, not only within your relationship but also in broader social circles. By actively working to eliminate bias and misconceptions, you contribute to creating a more inclusive and accepting world for your partner and others within the LGBTQ+ community.

Take the initiative to learn about LGBTQ+ terminology, including gender identity, sexual orientation, and non-binary. This knowledge enables you to engage in meaningful conversations with your partner and others within the LGBTQ+ community. Organizations like PFLAG offer valuable information and resources on LGBTQ+ topics.

4. Suggest Resources such as Books, Articles, or Support Groups

Sharing and discussing the content of recommended resources deepens the emotional connection between partners. The vulnerability involved in exploring one's identity and aspirations fosters a sense of intimacy. By actively engaging in each other's self-discovery process, partners create a safe and supportive space for vulnerability, reinforcing their emotional connection.

• Recommend LGBTQ+ Literature: Introduce your partner to LGBTQ+ literature that explores various topics and experiences. Suggest titles like "Stone Butch Blues" by Leslie Feinberg, "Redefining Realness” by Janet Mock, and "The Velvet Rage" by Alan Downs. These books provide diverse perspectives and narratives within the LGBTQ+ community.
• Share Reputable Articles: Share articles from reputable sources covering LGBTQ+ topics, including personal narratives, educational pieces, and current events. Online platforms such as LGBTQ+-focused websites, blogs, and news outlets can offer valuable insights into the community's challenges and triumphs.
• Encourage Support Groups: Urge your partner to seek support from LGBTQ+ community centers or local support groups. These spaces give a sense of belonging and provide opportunities to connect with others who share similar experiences. Organizations like PFLAG and The Trevor Project offer support tailored to different age groups, ensuring a supportive community for adults and teens alike.

Final Words

It's crucial to support your partner as they navigate their coming out journey to keep your relationship healthy and thriving. Show understanding, respect, and patience to create a safe and loving space for them. If you're still facing difficulties in your relationship or finding it hard to deal with the situation, get professional help.